Image by Thought Catalog via Upsplash.
I read through the submission form for the sixth or seventh time before finally hitting submit.
“I did it!” I told my husband, with excitement. But my tone shifted toward insecurity with the next statement, “Now I just have to wait three weeks to see if they will publish it…”
In that moment, I began to doubt myself.
As I closed the door to the bathroom, preparing for a shower, thoughts of failure filled my head.
I’m not relatable enough. My life is too different.
My thoughts probably weren’t cohesive enough. I forced it.
I was too whiny, too defensive. The take-away was too cliché.
There is no way they will use my article…
Then, I heard something in the audio-book I listened to as I showered, and my heart sank even lower.
That’s what I should have said, I thought. That’s the message that would have tied everything together, to summarize what I was trying, but failing, to convey.
I thought of a few authors I follow that have said things like, “I never set out to write a book…,” but yet they have multiple book deals and huge platforms.
I couldn’t relate. I decided I wanted to be a writer when I was in second grade. But I never took the desire too seriously, because it felt like a pipe dream. I started blogging when I was 16. When I was 18, I set a goal to publish a book by 30. I continued blogging for several years, then one day, deleted everything. It started to feel too vulnerable, even though I never really had consistent readers besides my mom (hi, Mom!). I felt like I had nothing to offer – I wasn’t eloquent enough, wise enough, original enough, or deep enough. There was always someone better.
So when my 30th birthday rolled around, I obviously wasn’t surprised that I didn’t suddenly have publishers reaching out, desperate to make book deals. But I still felt like a failure. It took me another year to accept the fact that if I wanted to write, I should probably – you know – write. And it would take another year to gather the gumption to put myself out there again.
I consider sharing my writing as an act of obedience and worship. I recognize that people don’t really read blogs anymore. People prefer to scroll, fill their mind with 60 seconds of fast information and catchy visuals, rinse, and repeat. Honestly, I do it too. Subsequently, I realize the things I write may never be read by anyone (besides my mom – thanks, Mom).
But writing is something I have felt pulled toward since I was a little girl. The same way I felt pulled toward being a wife, being a mom, and global ministry. I walked through those doors, so I’ll walk through this one. That does not mean anything will come of my writing. We long for all kinds of good things that never come – things like marriage, motherhood, and ministry. The womb of my writing may prove to be barren, and even if that’s the case, God is still good.
Sometimes, I try way too hard to write beautifully and artistically like the women with lots of followers on Instagram. But here’s the deal – I’m not them. And – I have to reckon with the fact that I would probably be a better writer at this stage in my life if I hadn’t given up nearly a decade ago.
Remember the audio-book I was listening to as I showered? The book is called was When People Are Big And God Is Small, by Edward T. Welch. Here’s the quote I coveted after (emphasis my own):
“I didn’t have to measure up to the standards of others opinions, because God’s opinion of me was rooted in the finished work of Jesus. In other words, even though I was a sinner, God loved me and made me righteous in His sight. So, who cared what other people thought?”
Friends, the irony of this quote making me shame spiral is not lost on me. But my own pride and sin aside – did you catch what Ed said? God’s opinion of me has nothing to do with me. God’s opinion of you has nothing to do with you! God loves us and calls us precious because of what Jesus did on the cross, while we were still sinners (Rom. 5:8)!
I may not be eloquent, wise, original, or deep – and that’s okay. God doesn’t care. Yes, God loves when we use the talents He has given use to glorify Him. But we neither earn or lose favor, approval, worthiness because of anything that we do, or don’t do.
Consider the following from the Word of God:
“…God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was handed over to die because of our sins, and he was raised to life to make us right with God. Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.”
Romans 4:24-5:2, NLT, emphasis added
“By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires. In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises…”
2 Peter 1:3-5, NLT, emphasis added
Our belief in Jesus Christ and the life that flows as the natural response to His atoning sacrifice is all God desires from us. But, let’s be honest – there are times when even the bare minimum on our end feels overwhelming. And that makes His grace so much sweeter, because His power is perfected in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
Friend, let’s look at a few more Scriptures together. First, from Proverbs 29:5, looking at two different translations:
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe,” (ESV).
“The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that,” (MSG).
Next, let’s look at Proverbs 14:26-27 (ESV):
“In the fear of the Lord, one has strong confidence…The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death.”
Finally, let’s consider Psalm 27:1 (ESV):
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”
Have you found yourself caught in a trap of comparison? Have you made an idol of man’s opinions of yourself? Are you withholding acts of faith and worship, for fear of man? Are you fearing those that can kill the body over the One that can kill both body and soul (Matt. 10:28)?
Repent. Turn away from sin and turn to Our Father in heaven who is ready to forgive (Ps. 86:5; 1 Jn. 1:9)! Walk in accordance with all He has called you too!
This post was my next act of worship.
What will yours be?
Faithfully,
Joy From Fear 